Grayden,

I LOVE YOU, LITTLE BOY.

You are the light and love of my life.

Thank you

Dear Grayden,
I love you so much. You're everything I ever dreamed my son would be. Everyday I spend with you is a day I never want to forget. Watching you grow makes me sad, but in the best way possible. I'm still trying to process the fact that you're really here now, and you're really mine. You'll always be the best thing that has ever happened to me. (Daddy is now #2.) I will never forget the day I felt you move for the first time, the day we met, the first time I saw you smile... You've made my life so much brighter.

I was happy when it was just your dad and I, but when I found out our family of two would soon be 3, I was overjoyed. There were moments I didn't think I was worthy of such an awesome responsibility. Honestly, motherhood absolutely scares the living daylights out of me. But, I know that we have a love like no other; the love of a  mother and her son. That gives me the strength I need to get up every morning and face the day.

Grayden, I love you so deeply. You will always be my little boy, no matter how big you grow, where you go or what you do with your life. Thank you for coming into my life, and making it TWO HUNDRED infinities better.

I love you, Son.

Momma

P.S.- I found this song today called "Thank you" by Sarah Connor. It says everything so perfectly.

There's no greater love
There's no greater joy

Then when I felt your life growing inside of me

God has given me a gift so precious

He must have made you from a cloud and angel's wings

Now that you've come into my life

Without you I know I can't survive

No... 'cause you're the reason that I live each day

And I wanna thank you for all that your are

Thank you for being my light when it's dark

Thank you for bringing me joy each day

I'm loving you more than words can say

Thank you for givin' my life a new song

Givin' me reason to wanna stay strong

Thank you for everything that you've done

You are my life, my soul, my son

You've come and changed my life

'Cause what I feel inside

Is a joy I know I've never had before

And though I'll make mistakes

There's something you should know

I dedicate my love and life to you

Now that you've come into my life

Without you I know I can't survive

'Cause you're the reason that I live each day

And I wanna thank you for all that your are

Thank you for being my light when it's dark

Thank you for bringing me joy each day

I'm loving you more than words can say

Thank you for givin' my life a new song

Givin' me reason to wanna stay strong

Thank you for everything that you've done

You are my life, my soul, my son

To do/Not do

Things I want you to do-

keep making those cutesy faces.

grow bigger and stronger everyday.

Things I don't want you to do-

something daddy calls, "diaper explosions".

grow up too fast.

I can't believe your almost TWO months old already! Cut it out, kid.

Before I was a Mom...

Grayden,

Before I was a Mom

I made and ate hot meals.

I had unstained clothing.

I had quiet conversations on the phone.

Before I was a Mom

I slept as late as I wanted

And never worried about how late

I got into bed.

I brushed my hair and my teeth everyday.

Before I was a Mom,

I cleaned my house each day.

I never tripped over toys

or forgot words to lullabies.

Before I was a Mom,

I didn't worry whether or not my

plants were poisonous.

I never thought about immunizations.

Before I was a Mom,

I had never been pooped on,

Spit up on,

Chewed on,

Peed on,

Or pinched by tiny fingers.

Before I was a Mom,

I had complete control of myself;

My thoughts,

My body,

And my mind.

I slept all night.

Before I was a Mom,

I never held down a screaming child

so that doctors could do tests or give shots.

I never looked into teary eyes and cried.

I never got gloriously happy over a simple grin.

I never sat up late hours at night watching a baby sleep.

Before I was a Mom,

I never held a sleeping baby just because I didn't

want to put it down.

I never felt my heart break into a million pieces

when I couldn't stop the hurt.

I never knew something so small could affect my

life so much.

I never knew that I could love someone so much.

I never knew I would love being a Mom.

Before I was a Mom,

I didn't know the feeling of having my

heart outside my body.

I didn't know how special it could feel

to feed a hungry baby.

I didn't know that bond between a

Mother and her child.

I didn't know that something so small

could make me feel so important.

Before I was a Mom,

I had never gotten up in the middle of

the night every ten minutes to make

sure all was okay.

I had never known the warmth,

The joy,

The love,

The heartache,

The wonderfulment,

Or the satisfaction of being a Mom.

I didn't know I was capable of feeling so much before I was a Mom.

Ssgt. Superdad

Grayden,
I've spent the last few days trying to figure out what to tell you next. (Okay, actually- I've been busy taking care of you while Daddy is away at work. Hey! That's what I'll tell you about...)

Mom & Dad before Mom's prom

Dear ol' dad is an E-5 in the Air Force. He's in the Missile Security Forces field, and right now hes part of a Mobile Fire Team flight. Basically, he guards the missile sites while maintenance is, well, maintaining. Its his job to make sure no one gets onto the site. He's posted for four days at a time. This week, he left on Wednesday and he comes home tomorrow. While Dad is away from home, he could be anywhere in Montana at any given moment. Pretty cool, huh?

Your dad loves the Air Force. He plans on making a career out of it. He's been stationed at Malmstrom for almost 6 years. Mommy has been here a little more than a year and a half. We're hoping we get to go somewhere else soon, because- while Montana is nice, it's very far from everyone we know and love and we want you to grow up near at least some family.

Anyway, Dad comes home tomorrow. I can't wait to see him. Before you were born, it was really hard for me to watch him go. This is the first tour since you were born that someone hasn't been here with me. Your dad was here for the first 10 days of your life, and then Bubbie and Great-Gram came to visit. I thought it was going to be much harder than it has been. It turns out you've made life easier. I haven't missed him quite so much. (Well, I have. I just haven't had time to think about it because I've been busy having fun with you.) I can't wait for him to get home so he can spend time with you. You started laughing this week. I'm excited for him to hear you do it. Its one of the cutest things I've ever heard; you're one of the cutest things I've ever seen.

I love you, 

Mom

Mama's day

Grayden,
Today is Mother's Day. My first of many, thanks to you. (And Daddy too.) I don't know what Dad has up his sleeve for the day, but I know whatever it is, it will be wonderful because I will have gotten to spend time with my boys.

Right now, we're living far from both sides of our family. Mommy's is in Florida, and Daddy's is all over the place: either in Florida, Utah, Arizona, or Pennsylvania. Anyway, because we're so far, we don't get to see anybody very often; but, I think its very important you know who you're family is, and what they mean to us. So today, being Mother's Day, I wanted to tell you about mine and Daddy's mothers-- your Bubbie and Nana and Grandma. They're all very special ladies and I love each one of them. I'm so thankful for your Nana and Grandma. They both helped Dad become the awesome person he is today. And of course, your Bubbie gave me life, so she is very, very important to me.

When I was growing up, your Bubbie and I never had a very good relationship. I took her, and all she was doing for me, for granted. Life was never very easy and there were so many times I wished I had a different mom. It wasn't until I was away from her that I realized how wrong I had been to feel that way. I have the best mother of all. She's been through SO much, but she's always come out on top. She's stayed strong and taught me how to be just as strong. She taught me to work hard, and try my best. I learned that it was okay to fail, as long as you pick yourself up and try again. She was there for me through all my successes, and failures. She kissed my booboo's, fixed many meals, put clothes on my back and a roof over my head. She always had an ear to listen, and a shoulder to cry on. Its only now that I realize just how much she had to give up because of, and for, me. She never complained though. I guess, what it all comes down to is,

Your Bubbie is one of the most amazing people I know. 

(And no, I'm not just saying that to kiss up. I really mean it.) 

I'm so grateful for your Nana. After all, its because of her that I have Dad. Her and your dad have always been close. [I hope we have a relationship like that.] I know it was hard sometimes, but she did the best she could. She never gave up. Daddy is who he is, because of your Nana. I know he loves her very much. So do I. She has always been willing to listen, and offer advice, when I needed her to. She's also taught me a thing or two. Perseverance, and tolerance, for instance. She has had to put up with alot in her life, and has always pulled through. 

Your Nana is a very strong, brave lady. 

I'm also really grateful for your Grandma Katie. Ever since her and your Grandpa got married, she's treated your dad just like one of her own. She's always been there for him; always supported him in whatever he was doing. Daddy won't call her his step-mom. She is his "other mother". I love your Grandma. Her and Grandpa have done so much for your dad and I. They're far away in Pennsylvania now, but they're still close at heart and always just a phone call away. Grandma has helped me become a better person. She's taught me alot about raising children in the Gospel, and she's been such a wonderful example for me. 

Your Grandma is my "other mother" too. 

See bug? You're three times blessed... You've got 3 wonderful grandmothers who love you very much. We're lucky to have them in our lives.

Smiles,

Madre

*Happy Mother's Day, ladies! We love all three of you. Thank you for everything you do for us.*

Tu familia

Grayden,
You have lots of aunts and uncles, grandmas and grandpas, who love you very much. Today is all about them and the super-sized awesomeness they bring to our lives. Get ready, this could take a little bit. (We'll start with Mommy's side, its less complicated...)

Bubbie & Poppa (Mommy's parents)

You and Bubbie, when she came to visit.
Poppa couldn't come.

Your aunts and uncle (Mommy's siblings)

Auntie Mikayla, Uncle Angel, and Aunt Allie.
We're just missing a picture of your Aunt Stephanie; I couldn't find one :(

Your "aunts" and "uncles" (Mommy's BEST friends)

Aunt Amanda and Uncle Bop, Tia Crystal, and Uncle "Rhino"

Nana, and Grandpa & Grandma (Daddy's parents)

Nana with Aunt Stephanie, Grandpa, and Grandma

Your aunts and uncles (Daddy's siblings)

Aunts Mireya, Carisa, Tialyn, Mishon, Desiree, Janet, and Stephine,
Uncle Mark, Aunts Sabrina and Vivian, Uncles Thorin, Johnny and Jeremy

Your "uncles" (Daddy's BEST friends)

Uncle Mike and Uncle Bobby

So you see? Lots of people to give you lots of love. You're a very lucky little boy.

XO,

Ma.

Story time with Mama

Dear Grayden,
*Today I want to fill you in on how your folks got together. So, sit back- in your baby swing, relax- with that binky in your mouth, and enjoy- your mom's terrible singing voice. (er, try to anyway...)*

Bubbie, Auntie 'Kayla, and I moved into a new house, and had just gotten settled in when some missionaries from the LDS church knocked on our door. We talked to them a few times and finally agreed to attend a few meetings. I was 11, almost 12, at the time. For the first couple months, nothing really interesting happened. Then, one Sunday, I went to church just expecting the same ol' stuff. But that day was different. I was talking to a friend when I turned around to say hi to someone else and... there he was. Lucky for both of us, one of the members came along and introduced us.

"KODIE GORDON"

That name and the person who had it were all i thought about for the rest of the day; he was cute. really cute. But I knew I had no chance; I was barely twelve and he was... I didn't even know how old he was! More importantly, I didn't know if he had a girlfriend and I didn't know anything about him; just that he was Kodie Gordon. So I asked the person who introduced us to tell me a little bit about him. He was sixteen and had just moved to Florida from Utah; I can deal with that, I thought.

The next time I saw him, he approached me and we started talking more. Over the next couple months, we got to be good friends and my teensy tiny crush wasn't so teensy tiny anymore. I didn't say anything to anyone- especially not him- though, because my mom had told me a long time ago that I wasn't allowed to date until I was sixteen. {Oh how I wished I was sixteen!}

AND THEN HE MOVED!!

I was really, really upset. This guy that I had really started to like ALOT, moves and doesn't even say good-bye before he goes... I just wanted to know why he would do that because, I'm no mind reader but he can't have NOT known how I felt about him. (I was anything but suddle at that age...) Eventually I moved on though; it took a little while but I did it. {okay, I'm lying. I never completely got over him; he was the first person I ever really liked, and it kinda hurt when he left.}

About a year and a half after he left, I was a church one sunday and I saw a little slip of paper on the bulletin board with his name and address on it. For a few seconds, I didn't think anything of it and I almost didn't remember who the heck he was; and then it hit me. I didn't write the address down at first, but after thinking a few things over, I decided to. I went home that night and wrote a letter. I had it all ready to mail; In the course of trying to find a stamp, I lost the letter!

Fast forward to October, 2008. I had just gotten out of a "relationship". (If you want to call it that. The guy was a jerk.) I was talking to one of the ladies at church, and she brought your dad up. I remembered the slip of paper, and the letter I had written but not sent. She said he joined the Air Force after he graduated, about three and a half years ago. At this point, I had forgiven him for leaving. There had to have been a reason for it and since I didn't know what that reason was, I wasn't going to be bitter about it. The lady urged me to talk to his sister, your Aunt Desiree, and ask for his address because she thought it would be good to re-connect with an old friend. The truth is, I was too scared. I didn't want Desi to think I was weird or something like that. So I asked your Great-Gram what she thought I should do. She wasn't much help. "Do what you think is right" is all she said;

A few weeks passed and I saw your aunt again. I asked- begged- Gram to get Dad's address from her. I was still scared of what Desiree would think but I had really started to miss my friend. So Gram got the address for me the next week. In late-October, I wrote him a letter telling him about what had happened since he left. It started like this:
"dear Kodie, I have no idea if you even still remember who I am but if not, thats okay because I'm going to keep writing anyway..."
He wrote me back and said he could never forgot about me. That was probably the happiest I had been in a long time; so I wrote him back and the next letter he sent me had his telephone number and e-mail address in it. It took me another letter and about a month to finally e-mail him; We e-mailed back and forth until early December when I finally decided to call him. That took a lot of guts, let me tell you.

It was a Wednesday night, and I used my grandma's cell phone to call him while I was at church with the other youth. We talked for about half an hour- I must've walked a mile and a half around the church building by the time we were done. I asked him what he wanted for Christmas and he wouldn't give me a straight answer. Then he asked me. I said I didn't know but that I was really into music and I jokingly added that some Air Force stuff would be cool. So your father, being your father, sent me an mp3 player and a heart pendant with the Air Force wings in the center. [What did i get him?! Well, I was going to bake cookies and stuff and send them to him but I never got the chance. Gram did it for me.]

I was at school one day before Christmas break, and I used a friend's cell phone to text him hello. We texted all through lunch and then almost every lunchtime after that; I was hanging out with a friend the day before Christmas, and I was telling her about him. She told me to call him, so I did. We talked for a little while, then i went home and went to sleep; Christmas WAS the next day and I wanted to get up kinda early. {I didn't wind up waking up until 10AM, but thats beside the point...} and just as the day is about to come to a close and I'm getting in the shower, my mom gets a call from my friend and hands me the phone. She said, "guess who I just got a phone call from..." "uhhh; I dont know, who?" "Kodie." and then she starts giggling. She told me when she picked up the phone and said hello, he responded with some cheesy line and she was all, "who is this?" He said, "well, I'm about five ten, 180 pounds, and I hear you think I'm kinda handsome." LOL. She thought it was her brother playing a joke on her. Once she figured out it wasn't her brother, and he got over the embarrassment, he asked for my number. She told him she would have to call and make sure it was okay with my mom first but that she would have me call him back. The whole time she's telling me this, I'm sitting in the bathroom with the water running because I was about to get in the shower; I gave the phone back to my mom and then got in the shower. Afterwards, it took me about half an hour to muster up the courage to ask Bubbie if I could use the phone to call him. I was sooo scared she'd say no or Poppa Wil would flip out because I wanted to call a boy. They didn't. We talked for a good bit before I had to go to bed; I said good-bye and promised to call him when I could.

On January 17th, I called him just to talk. I wasn't expecting anything to happen, but then he started complimenting me on stuff; I had written a letter telling him how I felt about him. I was planning on mailing it soon. Instead, I read it to him over the phone; it ended like this:
"I think I'm falling in love with you; scratch that- I am in love with you."
Then he told me he felt exactly the same way and read me a poem- yes, a poem- he wrote for me. After that, I had to get off the phone so I told him I loved him one more time and hung up. That was the first night I dreamed about him and there hasn't been a night since where he isn't in my dreams.

On February 2nd, eight days before I turned 18, he asked me to marry him; I, of course, said yes. We were married on the 6th of November 2009.

The rest is history.

Love you,

Mom 

wanna know his side of the story?

he says he liked me while he was in Florida too; he just never said anything because he wasn't sure how i felt and also because of what people would think. after all, he was sixteen and i was twelve. 

he's also told me that he's sorry he left me without saying good-bye but he didn't want to hurt me again. {you see, one thing i didn't mention was that there was this one time where i ran over to him to give him a hug because i hadn't seen him in about two weeks... he has it in his head that he squeezed me too hard, thereby cracking two of my ribs. i will admit, he did kinda hurt me but the pain went away in a few hours. it was nothing too serious. i try to tell him this and he doesn't believe me. he was really scared he injured me badly.} 

also, apparently, he went home one day after a church trip and told his mother, your Nana, that he met the girl he was going to marry one day. [he knew this at sixteen!?] 

his step-mom, your Grandma Katie, told me that after he moved back to Utah from Florida, they had some long conversations about "this girl in florida" and how much he cared about and missed her. {that girl is me.} he called your grandparents after he got off the phone with your aunt and told them what happened. he was really excited.

he was waiting for the right time to tell me how he felt and when i read him that letter, he knew.

Look-alikes

Dear Grayden,

Before you were born, Dad and I would joke about how we hoped you'd look like me, and act like him. I think we got what we wished for... You really are such a great baby- you've been sleeping through the night, for the most part; you hardly ever cry, you never fuss. You like "Mommy time" almost as much as I do. You definitely got your father's temperament. I'm still trying to figure out how we got so lucky! (Its no secret that if you were anything like me, we'd have our hands full.) While you act more like your papa, I really think you look more like me. Or at least like me, 20 years ago. What do you think?

♥ Mommy

Mommy, left, and Grayden, right.

25 days of fun, and your birth story

Grayden,

Day 1 of your grand existence

Mommy here. Today I decided to start this blog for you. Well, for me for you. I'm going to write as often as I can. I don't know if it will be everyday, every other day or maybe just once a week. But I will write. About lots of things- how much you're growing, the things we're doing, my hopes and dreams for you, and more. Maybe one day when you're older, you'll look back at everything written and smile. Or cry. Or both. And maybe you won't, but thats okay. I'll still write. Its a good way to help us remember things we would've otherwise forgotten. I don't want to forget a thing.

Today is May 3rd and you're only 25 days old, but already you've changed my life. You changed my life before you were even born. You've brought so much joy and excitement into my {otherwise dull and boring} life. Nothing will ever be the same, but I'm not complaining. The last 25 days have been some of the best I've ever had. You haven't done much besides sleep, eat, and poop [not necessarily in that order] but the time we've shared has been so exciting. Watching you grow and change, especially. Even just in the last few days, you've gotten much more alert and aware. Great-Grammy calls you "Bright eyes" because of your big baby blues and how expressive they are. I love to watch you look around and often wonder what you're thinking. If you could talk right now, what would you say? 

Such a proud daddy

The last three and a half weeks have been chalk-full of memorable days. Your birthday was no exception. A few days before you were born, Mommy went to the doctor for -what was supposed to be- her last appointment. You were ready to make your entrance and meet all your adoring fans. I was ready, too. My body had other plans though. You did your part and got into position for the big day, but that just wasn't enough. Daddy was supposed to go to work the next day, and wouldn't be home until a few days after D-day. When we talked to the midwife and told her what was going on and how I was concerned, we all agreed that the best thing for you and I was to be induced. So we got it scheduled and that's when it really hit me... You were finally coming. You'd be here in a few days. HOLY CRAP. Luckily, Daddy got a stand-by and was able to stay home and keep Mommy sane.

The start of something wonderful

The night of April 7th, we headed to the hospital. I got poked with big needles and hooked up to machines. It was really happening. I spent the night with an IV in my wrist, hoping it would help get things moving. It turned out to be a pretty uneventful night. Like I said, you and I were ready. My body wasn't. The morning of the 8th, the midwife came and broke Mommy's water [yuck!]. Thats when the fun started. Long story short, I was in labor for 7 hours but nothing much was changing. The contractions were very intense, and growing stronger. It was hard for me to stay calm and breathe the way I should've, which wound up causing us both stress. In the end, I needed to have a C-section, for your safety. It wasn't the delivery I had planned, but it gave me a healthy baby boy, and that's all that matters.

It was 2:06 in the afternoon on Friday, April 8th when I met the love of my life. (YOU!) A day I will always remember.

I love you, Bright eyes. I will always love you. Thank you for coming into my life, and giving me something to look forward to each day. I might not always know exactly what I'm doing, but I will try my best. I promise.

Hugs and kisses,

Mommy